Now, when I look back, I can see it for what it was. Conception. Pregnancy. Birth. A molting from maiden into mother. Back then, when I was ripe with child and full of life, my mind swirled with the uncertainty of it all. But in between the fuss about my wellbeing as a vessel for the baby, I didn’t realize that my rebirth was also imminent.
But when I look back, I can see it. From the very beginning, my child has compelled me to grow beyond what I ever thought I could carry. And I am choosing to rise to the occasion. We have known no other way of coexisting. I thought the growing pains would subside once I delivered my child into this realm. I was wrong. Because as my son breathed life into his lungs, my old self expired on the birthing bed. A room full of people had witnessed what I could do and who I could be, and there was no turning back to the my safety blanket of adolescent. I had transformed into a woman right before my eyes, and I couldn’t return to where I had come from because that place has been ruined.
It was only as I emerged from the haze of early postpartum, that I realized how raw I was. All of the wounds and insecurities I’ve unknowingly carried around for years are being uncovered, and I can’t run anymore. Molting from maiden into mother has brought me face to face with letting go of old patterns. And while I know that I am growing into an even better version of myself, it has still been painful to say goodbye to what used to be. In my latest blog post, I’m sharing how I’m walking through this process.
So, how do I walk through this process?
Acknowledge the molting
Molting is a slow process, and it did me no good to either ignore that I was changing before my very eyes or try to speed the process up. I do my best not to ruminate, but it has been very important that this is where I’m at. I don’t need to put my whole life on pause even though I am often grappling with the vulnerability of this season. It will pass, and I can choose to move forward with grace and compassion for this part of my journey.
Grieve the old ways
I’ve had to make peace with duality. Yes, I’ve always wanted to be a mother. And at the same time, I am grieving the simplicity of the life I left behind. I’m not sure if these feelings will ever resolve, but I’m learning how to accept experiencing “both and.”
Move the body
I tend to be very cerebral. Until I had no choice but to reckon with my body during childbirth, I was quick to ignore my physicality. Now, I am awakening to just how important moving my body is to release the emotions I’ve been storing up inside. So, I’ve been dancing more and allowing myself to indulge in the pleasures of being in my body.