I’ve been working through a lot of anger recently as I come to terms with the gravity of the responsibility my son has birthed me into. I look back at how naïve my husband and I were when we were deciding to start our family, and I can’t help but laugh. We had NO idea what we were getting ourselves into. I certainly didn’t expect that “getting a baby”, as my husband so tritely phrased it, would challenge my sense of self with such ferocity.
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t subscribe to the narrative of “get good grades, go to a good school, get a good job, marry a good man and raise a good family” I pursued each of these milestones with a thirst that could hardly be quenched even upon achieving the goal! I never stopped to breathe, let alone to consider my own desires for my life. I thrived on busting through the standards my professors held for the class. I stalked job opportunities almost unceasingly. And I started to panic when, after marrying the man of my dreams and delivering our child, I realized that I no longer had any dreams at all. I did everything they tell you to do. A numb, empty feeling creeps into my chest. “What’s next?”
I remain deeply rooted in my love for my son and all the adventures we have yet to experience together. But every so often, an intense wave of remorse washes over me and shifts my line of sight towards the life I used to lead, a life filled with ambition and conquest. I never dared to dream beyond the fairytale storyline ingrained in my head. And now, a part of me feels like I’m bound for deactivation now that I’ve completed the generic mission I was dispatched on before I was wise enough to consent.
But my husband reminded me that contrary to my fervent belief, my life is not over. It is only now beginning, and I have the power to choose my next steps and the influence to guide those of our son. I’d been so caught up in comparing responsibilities that I’d forgotten to appreciate the gift of life, learning and laughter my son has brought to us. I’d forgotten what an honor it is to have been chosen as Milo’s mother. I am eternally grateful that my Creator believes that I am worthy.
I haven’t been giving my family and my home the extreme drive and attention to detail that I’m usually known for. Childrearing and home making has seemed like things you just have to do in order to get to the fun parts of life. But what if I began applying my eagerness for a gold star to being the best mom and wife I can possibly be? Will it invite my goals and ambitions to evolve with the times? I’ll report back.
